I am a con man

I got an email stating that I was a conman because what the client wanted to happen didn't happen. Relationships aren't easy and people can't be controlled. If you rely on your therapist to solve your problems you WILL be disappointed.

Doc David

Transcript

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Hey friends, I'm a con man. Let's talk about it.

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You are listening to Head Shrink Inc. Your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.

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Hey, hey, hey, everyone. Welcome back to Head Shrink Inc. Uh, this is your lovely host, Dr. David Simonson, and I wanted to talk about um an email that I got uh last week. So every month I try to put out a um just a newsletter to let people know what I'm doing. Um sometimes I'm not doing anything, so I have to really dig deep and think, okay, what kind of thing can I put on there just to keep an email coming. And so this last email, um, that update that I sent out, um, I I sent out something that's pretty heartfelt to me. So one of the things like so I've been in practice for 22 years, and over that 22 years, I've met at least with hundreds of people, maybe thousands of people, but but but at least hundreds of people. And um I'm always like when I meet with people for a period of time, they impact me usually in a positive way. Um, and so when we stop meeting because things are better, they move, or they just don't like me anymore, um, or I'm not being useful to them. Um, you know, we like mini relationships, we just go our separate ways. And so um I am always super interested to hear what uh people are doing, um, or this kid that they always talked about when they were four, and now maybe their kids um 16 or 18, or what are they doing? Um so so, anyways, I'm I'm super interested in what past clients are doing. Um, if they married, got divorced, remarried, you know, got a new job, working in a new cool place. So that's super interesting to me. And so um one of the things about me is like you can always find me, you just go to my website and there I am, right? And then you can email me and and update me. So, this last email that I had sent out, this kind of update letter, I had expressed interest and like, hey, this is what I'm doing, and I would love to hear what you're doing. Um, because I'm I'm actually interested. I'm not just saying that because that's just something you say to seem interested. I'm actually interested. I'm I'm curious that way. Um, and so no one so I did get an e I did get an email from somebody, and all it said was Um You're you are a con man, you are no counselor. And and so I was a little what what is this? Um and and so I didn't recognize the name, and I thought about it, and I thought about it, like, oh man, who is this person? Um, and then I finally I I was laying in bed one night, and then it just kind of clicked, and I don't know how it clicked, but it was this uh person that I had worked with, and I can't share like all the details, I can't really share any details because you know HIPAA and confidentiality apply. But, anyways, this person wanted me to uh help reunify them with a child, and I wasn't able to do it because you know people have free will, and people get to choose who they want to associate with. And um, this was several years ago that this took place, and so um so I I get this email and I think you are a con man, you are not a counselor. Like, okay, I would guess that's one person's perspective. Um, and so it got me to thinking about this whole uh thing that a lot of therapists go through and a lot of probably people in other professions go to called an imposter syndrome. Um and that like that's an actual thing, right? Parents even go through it thinking, how can I be a parent of these kids? I'm I'm doing horrible as a parent. Um and so in in my practice, I used to do this uh evidence-based family therapy um program where I would go in people's homes. I did that for like 20 years. Um I just recently stopped um to manage people, manage other therapists that do it. But I I had been doing that for about 20 years, going in people's homes, talking about lots of different challenges things, seeing lots of crazy things, seeing super clean homes, super messy homes, all of the above, seeing teenagers' rooms that were disasters, that were um you know, not disasters, anyways. And so I was one of the therapists in this that had been doing this therapy for a long time. Like I, at least in Washington State, I was one of the first ones that started that was trained in this therapy modality and was was continuing to do it. And so that was I was like 20 years into it. And been to tons of training, nothing phased me, etc. etc. But every once in a while I'd be with a group of colleagues that um were doing the same training, were doing the same therapy, and we'd have meetings once a year, um, kind of like where everyone in the state would get together and have conversations about how things were going and stuff. And and every time I would show up and get put on the spot, I instantly felt like an imposter. Like, oh man, they're if I share anything, they're finally gonna realize I don't know what I'm doing. But yet I'd been doing this thing for 20 years. Um, so this this imposter syndrome thing is a real thing, right? Whether you're a teacher, whether you're a therapist, whether you're a CEO of a company, whether you're a mom or a dad. I mean it it it's it exists. And so I was I was thinking about like so this email came through of how I'm a con man and I'm not a counselor, even though I'm a licensed counselor in the state of Washington, and even though I have a PhD uh and a master's degree and have been in practice for 22 years working with couples, individuals, and families, apparently I'm a con man still. So I want to talk about imposter syndrome. Um and how for those of you that do struggle with imposter syndrome, like if if anything that I'm talking about kind of resonates with you, yeah, David, there's times where I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or I'm gonna be found out. I wanted to talk through how to address that. Um, one of the things I think first to just identify this imposter syndrome, it's a type of anxiety. Um because if you think about it, when when you are in a situ when you're in a group where you have an expertise and you feel like, oh no, I'm gonna be found out, there's a level of anxiety that starts to come into play, right? Like you want to sink in your seat, you don't want to be called on, maybe you kind of your stomach gets nervous, or maybe you avoid um attending events where you might be called on as the quote unquote expert, or people will view you as an expert because you've been doing it so long. Um, I'm currently my wife and I are currently doing this parenting group, and um, I mean, we we have lots of kids, and our oldest is 23 and and our youngest is 11. So, I mean, we we have experienced parenting, and we thought, hey, let's go join this group, maybe we can give some um insight to younger parents who have you know infants and toddl that they're raising. And I'm I'm enjoying it so far, but I'm realizing like, oh man, I'm I'm not this like expert parent that I like to think I am. I mean, I still um get irritated with my kids and I still you know speak sternly and loudly to them when they're not doing what I think is the right thing. So so this imposter syndrome still exists even for me in parenting sometimes, even as even as a married guy, it exists because I mean I want to treat my wife well, but I'm not always successful at that either. And like she gets her feelings hurt, or she does something that hurts my feelings, right? So so this this exists, and this imposter syndrome exists in all walks and areas of life, and it's a type of anxiety, okay? So that's one of the things I think you just need to know right off the start that if you already are anxiety prone, um, imposter syndrome is gonna probably get be worse for you. Or um it's maybe now that I've called it something, it's being able to put your finger on what it is that you're struggling with. So one of the um one of the I'm gonna go through a couple of things that I think can help with imposter syndrome. Um if it's something that you are kind of stru if you find yourself struggling with. So one of the one of the big things with imposter syndrome is to share your feelings about it with somebody. Um now I know that because I'm been in therapy for a long time, the therapy world for a long time, and I've talked with other therapists, I know that it's a thing that exists in the therapy world for counselors, therapists, psychologists, what have you. And so I've been able to have conversations with people at times about with other colleagues at times about this, right? And they say, Oh yeah, I totally feel like that too. And then maybe they'll share an anecdotal story of a time where something happened and they just didn't know what to do, or they didn't know what to say. Um, and and I've been there too where I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what to say. Just actually today, um I was fired by a couple, and I had been working with this couple for over a year, like a year and a month or so. And um I think the reason I got fired was for one reason, but the reason I was told that I was fired is because I just wasn't uh being helpful. Um they felt like they were their conversations after us meeting were much more helpful than the conversations I was having with them during the meeting. It is what it is, I have my opinion on it, but I was fired, right? So then so there's this idea like, oh man, I don't know what I'm doing, right? So um there's a way to combat that, right? So the first way is share your feelings, talk to other colleagues that you know that maybe struggle with that. Your other colleagues, if they say they don't struggle with it, they're lying to you. Because every I I would submit that uh 98% of people, and I just pulled that out of the air, but 98% of people struggle with imposter syndrome, and and the two percent that say they don't just are lying to you. So I think a lot of people struggle with it, they just don't talk about it because it's embarrassing, or they people don't want to talk about anxiety type things. So I would say talk to a colleague about it. The the next thing I think you do is, and this is what I actually do, is you celebrate your successes. So so for every one person or one couple that says, yeah, you're not good, we don't, you're not helping us, um, etc. etc. For every one of those types of things, I have probably five or six that um have told me, wow, you've really changed things for me, you've really helped us. Um, I have other couples that are still with me over three years in because they find what I'm doing with them to be valuable. So I think that that's the biggest thing I think you can do to combat imposter syndrome is to look at the bigger picture of, okay, I do have people that just are not a good fit with me, which is understandable. I tell people I'm an acquired taste, and so I'm not just I'm not always a good fit for people. But then I have people that have been with me for a long time. I have people that we we suspend um treatment, and then maybe six to eight months later they contact me again and say, Hey, I want to start back up with you again, which is really satisfying because it confirms in my mind that I I must know what I'm doing to some degree, that people are seeking me out. Um, I get referrals from clients, right? Like a client will tell someone, hey, go see this guy. Um, he's really helped us, or we really like him. And so then I'll get referrals from people, which is very satisfying as well because it's letting me know that I have some kind of skill that I'm able to help people, uh, in able uh some kind of skill uh that can help people here, there, that's much better. Now remember, I don't edit these, so you're gonna hear that word salad there for a moment. Um so celebrating your successes, I think, is hugely important. I think that that's and the successes are things that are actually fact uh factual and tangible, like you can touch them, right? And so that's the one of the things that when I talk to people about anxiety, just anxiety in general, or um self-esteem or things like that, I I often go to let's look at factually what you're talking about. Because I think the emotion gets overwhelming and people just stay stuck in that emotion. Whereas if they look at the facts and they write down the facts of what they're having anxiety about, the facts don't match up with their emotions. And so I encourage people to immediately go look at the um facts of things. Um, one of the things that I also would encourage you to do is to um, if you're struggling with kind of with an imposter syndrome issue, is to cultivate self-care, right? Because a lot of times we who are uh self-employed, we who are entrepreneurs, we don't take a lot of time out for ourselves and we beat ourselves up, we get really down on ourselves when somebody says you're a con man or you're you're not a counselor. Um my encouragement to you is like one of the things to do is take cultivate self-care and and you you know, whether that's going on a hike, whether that's uh going on a trip, hanging out with your dogs, doing a puzzle with your kids, whatever it is, do something that you enjoy that you can just relish in. Um and a lot of times people for people just like they work and work and work and then they don't take time out for themselves, and then then someone swoops in with a negative comment and it just kills them. And I would I would submit that part of that is because you're not taking time out for yourself and you're you're working too much, right? So that's one way to address um uh imposter syndrome. And now, um finally, and another and I and I do this, another thing to do is share your failures with people because I am not perfect at what I do. I'll be the first to admit that. I don't have all the answers when someone comes to me with a challenge, right? Um I I can't tell people how to l I can I can tell people how to live their life or what maybe they should do, but ultimately they get to choose what they do. I I have no control over it. So this person that emailed me to tell me was I was a con man and that I wasn't a counselor couldn't bear the fact that this other person um made choices that didn't include them. And somehow put the um power on me that I was gonna change that, I guess. And I can't. I can't change other people's choices. Um, I can give suggestions, and ultimately people have to make those uh choices themselves. Um and finally, one of the things I think is that um don't avoid imposture syndrome. I think one of the things to do with imposture syndrome is just to acknowledge that it exists. Um, like so for me, I recognize I fully recognize that it's a thing that exists. I talk about it with other colleagues when it comes up. Um I recognize that I'm not able to solve every person's problem. I would love to. I like to think that I can, but I recognize after this many years in practice that I cannot. Um, that ultimately people get to make their own choices on how they move forward with things. So, like this couple that um that fired me today, uh I have pretty strong opinions about why they fired me, but I I mean they don't care. And they've got all their own stuff to figure out uh in that relationship still, and um that's on them. Like they have to do what they think is best for them. So what so accepting it, I think, accepting that this imposter syndrome thing is real is uh super important because it's not a daily thing. It's a for me at least, it's not a daily thing. There's times that it kind of comes in waves, right? Like if I have several days where I get cancellations or um a person fires me, usually I can take it in stride, but if it happens, I mean there's been a couple times in my career where it's happened, like three people in a week either ghost me or two people fire me, essentially. And that's ghosting as a kind of firing as well. And so I start I sit back and think, oh no, what's happening? What am I not doing right? Why is this happening? Am I did I say something offensive that I didn't think was offensive? And um ultimately what happens is uh the universe corrects itself and and my the boat writes and I get new clients the next week, and that's the the ghosting is in the past. And what I re realize over the years is that ghosting just happens, and I and I fully believe that um I'm I I'm not for everybody, and every client is not for me. And there's enough therapists out there that there will be a match for people. Um, and so when the imposter syndrome shows up, though those are the kind of conversations that I have to have or I need to have with myself. And so I would encourage you, if if you find yourself to be kind of in that imposter phase, whether it's as a parent, uh as a relative to in-laws, um as an in-law, um, whether it's in your place of employment or or wherever it is, I would encourage you to take to heart some of these things that I've just suggested and really work them into your self-talk game that you have. Because a lot of it has to do with kind of self-talk, right? And kind of a true picture of what's going on, a true factual picture of what's going on in your life. Hey, happy uh February. It's 2222 today, and uh I can't wait for 2222. That's gonna be even better. So, hey, if you want to get in touch with me, feel free to go to uh docdavid.net, and that's where you'll find my blog, my uh Facebook, Instagram, all of the above. You can look for me on Instagram at Dr. David Simonson. Um, just put in my name and you'll find me on the web, and then we can be friends. All right, have a great weekend.